Senin, 07 Desember 2009

How to kill the pain?

In this situation, I'm practically hate everything. I hate everything I eat, breath, see, meet, and talking with (especially with people who always stab me from behind).

In this situation, I used to cut my arms in the past. Not for suicide, just to kill the pain inside my heart. Coz' if I don't let the pain out, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything. And it feels worse than dying.

Then, I hate myself for living that way. I wish God to just kill me instead, so I can pain-free all the time. But, when I think about my life purpose, I'm starting to cry coz' I'm afraid to die before I completed my task on earth. And I hate myself more for thinking about dying.

and then it become worse as my thought affect my body.

I feel more pain and it's frustrating. I hate this situation. I already know the answer to get out from this but I'm too afraid if I wish too hard, it still won't change anything.

Just tell me how to kill the pain.

I used to know the other way to ease the pain, besides hurting myself. I write my dark side in a story, telling how much I love to do stuff a killer would do. But this time I didn't write like I did in the past. But people talking and they tried to show their....-I don't know what should I call it, a critic? or a cruel judgement? I dunno. But they didn't do it based on ethic code. They didn't admonish me directly. And don't blame me if I labeled their way as 'childish treat'.

I can go to other places, writing the same thing. They're so coward and not worth to think about. What so hard to talk in person?

They're older than me but they don't know hows the code.

What a shame.

PS: In normal situation, I try to understand and I won't mind what they did at all. But, I'm too fragile to just let this annoying thing go and hurting me again. I hate this kinda people.

In this situation, I hate everybody.

8 komentar:

  1. Waduh.. Dont hate me pls...


  2. Nez, aku bisa bantu apa? Jangan sedih dunks...

  3. Nez.....

    semangat. berjuang. don't give up.
    GBU always, dear

  4. oh.plis.don't hate me....I don't want to hurt u. really. just surrender to HIM, Nez.

  5. Yeaah....
    Aku begini karna kamu
    Aku jatuh karna dia
    Aku lemah
    Aku gagal
    Benci saja semua
    Salahkan semua
    Dan itu akan

    membuat hidupku jauh lebih baik ?!


    Gw kenal satu orang yang mirip sama lo, bahkan lebih parah. You didn't try to suicide, but my friend did it. And you know what? He is one of my closest friend till now. He gave me a lot of things in my life, in this so-sucking-life. He used to be my leader till now. And I? I used to be his assistance, his sidekick.

    What am I going to tell you is...
    Oh well you won't hear me in this situation
    Just mail me if you want to hear seriously about the rest

  6. Freya sayang,
    believe it or not,
    been there, done that....
    those slashing your arms and shit,
    been there, done that,
    not help much...

    sucks banget yah kalo lg ngerasa gitu,
    tips gue:
    denger lagu yang bisa bikin elu happy kaya
    Till there was you nya The Beatles,
    i refer the "You" as God in this song si hehe

  7. tumben pake bahasa inggris... untuk ane ngerti, hahahah...

  8. Just like the past me...

    Dl jg sm prsis kyk gn. Ksndirian bgiku trasa sprti jus strawberry, mnis...ttpi sdikit kecut.
    N people feels like they just ignore me, a little bit of a dust. And even if they do, feels just like they're pretending. Dlm psikologi, ni dsebut melankolis. Mnyikapi ssuatu, psti dgn hati. Walau kt tmpak dr luar trsnyum riang, ttapi hti hncur lebur.
    N well, coz i'm a guy, instead of hurting myself, I tend 2 'hurt' things (not others). Bt nw, i'm dffrent frm evr.
    My sggstion is: If only you could just raise your head to the sky, you would see such a beautiful sight..If only you could..


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