Senin, 07 Desember 2009
How to kill the pain?
In this situation, I'm practically hate everything. I hate everything I eat, breath, see, meet, and talking with (especially with people who always stab me from behind).
In this situation, I used to cut my arms in the past. Not for suicide, just to kill the pain inside my heart. Coz' if I don't let the pain out, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't do anything. And it feels worse than dying.
Then, I hate myself for living that way. I wish God to just kill me instead, so I can pain-free all the time. But, when I think about my life purpose, I'm starting to cry coz' I'm afraid to die before I completed my task on earth. And I hate myself more for thinking about dying.
and then it become worse as my thought affect my body.
I feel more pain and it's frustrating. I hate this situation. I already know the answer to get out from this but I'm too afraid if I wish too hard, it still won't change anything.
Just tell me how to kill the pain.
I used to know the other way to ease the pain, besides hurting myself. I write my dark side in a story, telling how much I love to do stuff a killer would do. But this time I didn't write like I did in the past. But people talking and they tried to show their....-I don't know what should I call it, a critic? or a cruel judgement? I dunno. But they didn't do it based on ethic code. They didn't admonish me directly. And don't blame me if I labeled their way as 'childish treat'.
I can go to other places, writing the same thing. They're so coward and not worth to think about. What so hard to talk in person?
They're older than me but they don't know hows the code.
What a shame.
PS: In normal situation, I try to understand and I won't mind what they did at all. But, I'm too fragile to just let this annoying thing go and hurting me again. I hate this kinda people.
In this situation, I hate everybody.